Are You Creating a Cycle of Rejection? A Closer Look at How Habit Loops Can Break the Cycle #207

Do you feel like no matter which way you turn; it doesn't matter what you do? What you say? How you act? -- You're basically not going to be accepted?

Do you feel like a prisoner to what everyone else is saying about you and you actually find yourself lining up with their words, even though they're incongruent with what you know to be true about yourself?

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Transcript

Jen Rogers, Certified Coach, Kingdom Entrepreneur, Keynote Speaker, Bible Teacher, Author

#1 Christian Podcast for Stepmoms
🏅Top 1.5% Podcast Worldwide🏅  

207 \\ Are You Creating a Cycle of Rejection? A Closer Look at How Habit Loops Can Break the Cycle

0:00 Overcoming Rejection and Achieving Success

Jen Rogers:

Do you feel like, no matter which way you turn, it doesn't matter what you do, what you say, how you act you're basically not going to be accepted? 

Do you feel like a prisoner to what everyone else is saying about you and you actually find yourself lining up with their words, even though they're incongruent with what you know to be true about yourself? 

Do you find yourself spiraling into a pit of despair when you experience rejection from your adult step kids? 

Does overwhelm prevent you from doing things you love? 

 Listen who you are is more important than what you do. Do you know who you are? In today's episode number 207 of the Empowered Stepmom podcast, you'll walk away with the one thing you must do to get what you want. 

 Okay, so truth bomb right here. In order for you to get what you want, it actually takes more than you saying I want that. Hey, I've wanted for some time now an infinity QX80. It's this gorgeous SUV, bronze orange or this midnight blue in color. There's room for eight, everything is luxurious, all the bells and whistles. 

I can want that infinity QX80 all my life. 

But if all I do is say I want that and I don't commit to a system of success to turn my want into reality. I'll be all talk and there will not be eight people in that swanky SUV. That SUV will not be parked in my garage. 

Hey, I'm Jen, your Empowerment Coach, a certifiable one at that, because I committed to professional certification. I didn't just talk about it; I did something about it. 

I value straight talk. Give it to me straight, don't beat around the bush. Just tell me what it is that you want so we can get to the outcome that we both desire. When you hint around, when you demonstrate passive aggressiveness, you kind of make me crazy. My approach here on the podcast is I am not about making you crazy, I am about empowering you. So I'm going to tell you like it is, and that's why I can say to you I'll talk is just talk. It's just that you’ve got to walk the talk so you can get what you want. 

2:25 You'll Miss Out if You Don't Do This

What you'll hear on this podcast is a commitment to excellence, and do you hear that word commit inside the word commitment? We commit to being successful, and that means we're willing to learn. That means that we are willing to acknowledge that where we are right now is not necessarily where we want to be, and that's OK as long as we don't stay there.

Listen. You're here because you are not a victim, and you are not wallowing in victimhood. Instead, you're here because you want to acquire tools that you need to be successful on what matters most to you. When you align with God's will and practice what I teach, you'll bust through confidence metrics as you implement processes and systems that work. Do you want that? 

Well then, let's take the first step of committing to God's best for you and listen to today's podcast episode. Hey, a quick note. If episode number 206 is still hanging out in your playlist, go listen to that one first. Then come on back and take this next step in implementing, because there are some powerful questions I invited you to journal about last week when we got together, and those are important starters for you to move forward. 

Remember what I said we implement systems at work. Trust me, these systems, these processes, work, and it's all in the nitty gritty and nobody really likes the nitty gritty work, but the nitty gritty work, that's where the gold comes from. Okay, go listen to episode number 206, the link is in the show notes and then come on back If you've already done that. 

This is a great opportunity for you to show a little bit of love and invite other women to join us inside of this community by leaving a five-star review on your favorite platform. And I want to give a special shout out I don't know who you are on Spotify, but you're listening on Spotify and you are leaving five star reviews. You can't leave a comment, you can't leave a name. It's so interesting to me. I love it all the same. I love five stars. So if you're a Spotify listener, I thank you so much for taking the time to leave a five star review. 

No matter what the platform is, your voice is a voice of power and influence and I'm asking you to use it to bring others into the community through a five-star review. Okay, so the two things were the five-star review and listening to episode number 206. That means that we're ready to rumble with episode number 207. Let's get to it. 

4:56 5 Powerful Questions You Must Ask

Last week, there were five powerful questions for you to consider. Here's why that's important. You become what you repeatedly do. That's what Stephen Covey says, and if you know anything about Stephen Covey, he's a whole seven habits, the seven habits of highly effective people. And years and years and years ago, I remember going through that process at work and I'm just going to tell you. I kind of stuck my nose up in the air at it and I thought, oh, it's really well, it's the nitty gritty, it's not fun. And yet, after going through that experience, I didn't just learn the seven habits of highly effective people, I learned about the highly effective habits of Jen, and I also learned about those habits that were detracting from my success. 

I would agree with Stephen Covey that you do become what you repeatedly do. So who are you becoming? That's the most powerful question, and it really ties into these other two questions that I have for you today, One: what do you want? 

6:02 What Are You Willing To Do To Get What You Want?

Two: What are you willing to do to get it? 

Hey, listen, if you are willing to join me in the nitty gritty, I promise you that your efforts will be rewarded, that you will experience change. The thing is you need perseverance. 

You need, in this commitment, to decide that you are going to overcome whatever the hurdle is that you are experiencing right now by what you repeatedly do. So if you are experiencing the same stuff, the same angst, the same struggles in your blended family, in your workplace, in your business, then it's time to start doing something different. Are you ready to do something different. 

Are you ready to get a different result? Because that means that we must do something different. Well then, what do we do to get what we want? What things do we need to bring in and what things do we need to let go of? Well, that's where one of my favorite habit authors comes into play, Charles Duhigg.

I mentioned him last week on episode number 206 because he talks about the power of habit, and it's not just talk, okay, he has scientific research examples and he has strategies and keys for you to understand how you can use what he teaches to get what you want. And it all ties into something lovingly referred to as the habit loop. 

If you want to increase your familiarity with the habit loop, you can just look up Charles Duhigg and in fact I'll put something in the show notes so you can see a visual representation of the habit loop, because we're going to talk about that over the next several podcast episodes how we can take a cue, a trigger, and shake up the routine so we can get the reward that we want. And those are the three elements of the habit loop the cue, the routine and the reward. So the routine is sometimes referred to as the behavior. So what kind of things are you doing? What are you repeatedly doing? That's getting you the reward that you want. 

8:08 This Doesn't Feel Good!

Now you might say, Jen, this reward, it doesn't feel like a reward. When I've been doing the same thing and I get the same results from my stepkids and they give me this angst and anxiety and frustration and eyeball rolling. It doesn't feel so good. So wait a minute, that does not feel like a reward at all. I hear you 

Listen. There is something that's called a negative habit loop. I do want to say there is something important to remember about habits Habit is not positive or negative in and of itself. Okay, we apply typically when we think about habits. We give habits a negative connotation, but the word in and of itself is not positive or negative. It's what we experience that has us calling it a positive or a negative thing. Or we have preconceived ideas about what are good habits and what are bad habits, based on how we grew up. 

When we blend families together, the habits, they are a little bit different and that's where we run into some trouble because we have expectations about what the norms are for behaving. 

Okay, let's focus on this anxious habit loop. So there could be a trigger of you're having this negative thought. Boy, when I pull into the driveway, I just know that I'm going to walk in and I'm going to feel this sense of heaviness and I'm going to feel unwanted in my own home. So that's the trigger or the cue that you are getting in your car to go home. And then, as you're driving home, you're thinking about this, running through this in your mind over and over again, and so you're worrying about it. You might be tightening up, you might feel the tension in your body. Oh, my gosh, it's time to go do this thing. I'm feeling tense. So when I walk in the house, I'm going to expect the worst, because that's what happened the whole time. 

So the routine or the behavior is this worry, these anxious thoughts going through your mind. So the cue is you're in the car to drive home and the routine or the behavior is the anxious thinking going on in your brain. 

Now what is the reward? Well, if you don't want to experience the heaviness you are expecting, you might choose the reward of avoiding or distracting. So you might just say you know what. I'm going to take the long route home. There's nothing wrong with taking the long route home. I'm going to avoid what I consider to be the inevitable. Or, when you walk in the house, you are going to be so occupied with whatever else is going on that you're going to ignore the things that are going on in the house and your reward is going to be distraction. 

Okay, so, in a nutshell, the trigger or the cue is you driving home and those anxious thoughts. Those thoughts are the routine and the reward. The reward is avoidance or distraction. The result is you're actually feeling more anxious. 

11:05 The Thing That's Hard To Break

A note of caution, which I'm sure you're already 100% aware of, habits are difficult to break. It involves us taking the time to assess and we can do operation, intervention so that we can change the routine when we focus on the reward that we really want, so when we're willing to evaluate okay, what are my habits of excellence?

What things do I repeatedly do to get the rewards that I'm seeking in my relationships, in my work, in my home, in my business, in my blended family? What habits do I want to ensure that I hone? Because I'm sure there are many habits that you have that are leading you in the Direction that you want to go, and it's a matter of time. It's it's incremental gains of success over time. 

Conversely, as you well know, there are habits that you want to discontinue. The trick is identifying which things you want to change first. It's not really a trick, it is really a process of elimination and knowing what you want. It goes back to the very beginning of this episode, what do you want? And Important question number two what are you willing to commit to to get where you want to go? 

Listen, habits are a powerful tool to use to help you live the life of your dreams. It's important that you understand what that life of your dreams looks like. And the truth is we don't take the time to do that. 

We just blow on past, creating a vision for our lives and therefore we really spend a lot of time in aimless frustration because we don't have a goal to work towards. And on this podcast, goal setting is Supreme. It reigns supreme. 

It's important that we start. Listen. When Nehemiah built the wall in 53 days Pretty sure was 53, not 52 when he built that wall in 53 days, he had a plan and he did a lot of surveillance and he had other people involved in building the wall as well. 

13:16 Let's Work Together!

If you are looking for other women to come and support you on your stepmom journey. 

Join us inside the Facebook group if you want one-on-one support, I would be honored to work with you. Head on over to www.stepfamilypodcastcom/workwithJen  W-O-R-K-W-I-T-H-J-E-N and take a short quiz that will help you understand what really is Important to you. 

Hey, habits there's a lot of work here to do on habits. So next week, we're going to talk about a positive habit loop and I'll give you key examples that are applicable to common stepfamily pitfalls so you can move forward and you can practice implementing habit manipulation, habit changing, getting curious. 

14:01What Do You Want?

Listen 2023. My word for 2023, which I didn't realize until later on in the year, was being curious. So I invite you to adopt this spirit of curiosity that we're building upon that to learn more about what really is important to us. 

And if you haven't asked yourself that question in a long, long time, it's okay. It's just not okay to not ask it now. So I'm asking you: 

·       What do you want?

·       What are you willing to commit to to go get it? 

Hey, I love hearing from you. I always love hearing from you, whether you've been a long-time listener or you're brand new to the Empowered Stepmom Podcast. I am delighted, absolutely delighted, that you are here. One way to reach out to me. I answer all my emails. No bots here. Email me at friends@stepfamilypodcast.com . I love hearing from you. 

All right, that's going to do it for this week. I'll catch you on the flip side. 

14:55Your Mission, Should You Choose To Accept it is...

Ps. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to identify one habit loop, identify the cue, the routine and the reward, get curious about what's happening and then decide is that the outcome that you want to continue to have? 

Because if it is, then great, this habit loop is working for you. If your habit loop is more like the one I used in the example about driving in your car to go home feeling anxious and then experiencing distraction or avoidance as your reward next week will not only talk about habit loops that are working. We will also talk about how you can shake things up inside the habit loop to get a different outcome. 

All right, I'll leave you with that mission and I will catch you next week.